My own harshest critic

The Bible warns us not to judge others, but I think sometimes we may need to take that verse and apply it to ourselves - do not judge yourself.

I am my own harshest critic - to the point I struggle to really believe God accepts me with all my flaws and imperfections. It becomes easy to push aside verses that say things such as "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." In the words of Mark Lowry, "Woke up this morning with the years I spent hanging heavy on my mind. At times I see so much in me, I wish I'd left behind."

As my pastor said in his sermon tonight, sometimes it's easier to see God as the master and I'm the slave, making me fearful to approach Him, rather than understanding He is the loving father who wants and will always make decisions for me that are in my best interest, even if I don't understand them.

I get frustrated that unresolved issues from my past have had a severe negative effect on my behavior and feel He must be angry that I have not resolved them by now. But a loving father would not hate his child because they struggle so much. A loving father is overwhelmed with compassion and a desire to help his child overcome the things that continually bring them down. And God moreso, for His patience is far greater than man's patience and His love far greater and perfect than man's love. And so I need to remind myself He is a loving dad, more loving than my earthly dad (which is saying a lot because my earthly dad is pretty loving).

Last night I had a dream that I was a teenager in a youth group and some guy in the youth group was making me mad to the point I finally had enough and punched him as hard as I could in the face. I'm always so much more bold and daring in my dreams than in real life. I was immediately afraid that I would get in trouble and took off running. Eventually the youth pastor in my dream found and caught me, but when I looked at his face, rather than seeing the anger I expected, I saw concern and compassion. At that moment I woke up, but I woke up feeling good and I think God was representing himself in my dream as that youth pastor, that in truth, when I keep wanting to run from God for fear of being in trouble, in truth, He is chasing after me because He is worried about me, full of compassion and concern and wanting to help me, not lecture me.

So I think I need to take the verse about not judging and apply it to myself and stop condemning myself all the time. God is more patient with me than I am with myself and the negative self-talk does not come from the lover of my soul who died to save me.